i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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