i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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