She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
