Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
