fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
