im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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