i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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