I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
