I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
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