god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
