Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
