I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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