I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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