good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
