Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Less talking, more tequila
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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