I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
