I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
