Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
