So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
