I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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