And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
