Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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