im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
