I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
