I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
