I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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