My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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