I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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