i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
