um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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