I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
