if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
