Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
