I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
How does one acquire holy water?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
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