she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
