Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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