The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
