fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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