you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
