In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
