two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
