She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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