That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
