dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
