I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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