My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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