she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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