I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I will be naked everywhere
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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