my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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