Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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