i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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