btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
