she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
