Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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