2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
