just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
